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Let's leave the nips out of it, shall we?

Tesco’s G*y Old Time

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It’s something we’re taught from an early age, along with ‘how to make him love us’ and ’10 top ways to do your hair that will drive him wild’: your friends are your most valuable assets in life. They’ll be there when you go for the edgy crop and he leaves you for someone with long tousled waves; they’ll be the ones to pick you up, dust you off and gently introduce you to your first vibrator. In short, they’ll be there through thick and thin, no matter what, when you need them most.

Then you get to a certain age and you realise there’s a whole new type of man out there. The kind that will look at your arse only to judge how big it looks in those jeans and who will both notice and compliment you on your shoes. Girls, this is your gay best friend and, as you’ll come to realise, he’ll be your greatest accessory to date. 

This has been confirmed by none other than Tesco who, in what will surely come to be known as the greatest humanitarian effort this generation has seen, offered a friend to lonely girls everywhere by making the inflatable g*y best friend. 

Suddenly, there’s hope for lonely girls in small towns and whatnot, who may never get the chance to have a real, gay BFF of their very own, forced to watch reruns of SATC and Will & Grace on their own, forever wondering why they feel hollow inside, their arm missing something that the greatest designer bag out there simply can’t make up for. Tesco: I fear we may never be able to thank you enough for bringing inflatable homosexuality to these poor, beleaguered soles.

 Now, there are those that will question the product’s asterisk and wonder whether actually it’s a guy best friend: Tesco’s thinly veiled attempt to reclaim what was formerly a male-dominated market of inflatable sex toys, by making one for women. But to those dirty-minded souls (really, they’ll see sex in anything) I’ll refer them to the incontrovertible truth that the man is wearing a pink jumper: the mark of the gay BFF.  After all, we’ve all seen Mean Girls; we know what we’re talking about here.

So go, girls, go snap your gay BFF up now while you still can, before Tesco is inundated with outraged complaints from small-minded customers who will undoubtedly say this is unbelievably homophobic, insulting and quite frankly appalling, and is forced to immediately remove all evidence of this product ever existing from its site. They know not the power of the gay BFF. Go with all the excitement and speed of shopping at TK Maxx after you hear of a slightly damaged Prada product dump. You won’t regret it.

Tesco, on the other hand, might. 

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